I found old pictures of Mumsie!! Who is probably going to kick me for using the word 'old'...

I love you, Mums!

( She is so superglamorous, and look there's my husband and son too! )

The past few days have been quiet. Peter bought a trampoline and I can do acrobatics on it and it's really fun until I realise I'm forty-one. And then it's still fun, it's just a guilty kind of fun! And I showed Caleb how to do some of it and now I fear I've created a trampoline monster... And James is badgering me about getting one too, but the backyard doesn't have room for it unless we rip out most of the garden. He's three, he also wants a spaceship, a pony and a pet dinosaur. I'm not evil for keeping the garden instead of a trampoline, right?!

RIGHT?! Daddy crisis! Help!

I'm in Cork! I surprised my Spectre at the airport when the intrepid travellers of Spectre fame returned, because he didn't know I was back yet. He squealed and everything, it was awesome. And then there was some jumping into my arms and getting spun around action. I seem to have a habit of surprising him on my birthday. Which I completely approve of.

Speaking of my birthday, it is today. And I get to spend it with my friends and my husband, watching the amazing Adrina perform onstage. It's going to be wonderful! And then we'll be returning home for an epic reunion with the family. I know one little boy who talked about seeing his daddy again all day yesterday, and he just might not let go of Spectre for a week, I think. Somehow, I don't think Spectre will have a problem with that. Though James might have to battle with Mara... And Marie is getting possessive too. SO CUTE!

We met Isla Littleton the other day. She's our half-sister, and completely adorable. After the initial strangeness, which I won't explain because it's not really my business to do so, it was a completely wonderful time with completely wonderful people. I still haven't gotten to meet Galina, but I feel completely and totally blessed that the family is growing. To me, it doesn't matter how Isla and Galina came about (I don't need a diagram...) what matters is that they're here, and they're family.

I am so full of love right now! It might be because I got to see my Spectre again, and there were relations. Also epic. Mmmm yes.

Or it could be that it's just my default mode. Again. Finally. :D!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!

DO I HAVE 'I HAPPEN TO HAVE A VERY FLEXIBLE TONGUE' TATTOOED TO MY FUCKING FOREHEAD OR SOMETHING?!?!

Edit: ( This is what I am !!!ing about )

I have no idea what to do about this.

Peter was down today, and when I asked him what would make him feel better, he said, "you in leather". So I think it's safe to say he's at least feeling a little better! He did make me watch West Side Story and Cats before I was allowed to leave. James was horrified. So I think it's safe to say he's not a little three-year-old gay boy. He said, and I quote, "Why don't they just say how they feel? Why do they have to sing it?" Oh, little boy. Sometimes you have to.

Just not me, because we all know how that would end. With everyone running away from me. And then I'd have to sing a sad song about having no friends.

( And then I'd do this on the internet again. I have no willpower... )

I'm home, I spent the last two hours with my amazing son who is now asleep. He told me all about dressing up as his daddy for Halloween. Meaning Spectre. Oh, I just *melts*. Abby is off at Mums' with Stuart and Mara tonight, and Flynn and Spectre are touring. With James asleep, it's just me and the animals, who are all ignoring me with amazing ability.

I'm a sad man at home alone on a Sunday night, having just spent a week and a half searching for 'the Antichrist' in Rome and then burrowing through an underground wall for two days. You know the old story.

( So I surfed the internets )

I'm in a helicopter!! The pilot said I could do this.

Peter shaved and he took a shower (I think he orgasmed over a bar of soap...I heard it) and he ate a bunch of spaghetti and vomited all over my lap, which was lovely. So then I took a shower (no orgasms, sadly) and then we left.

There's a Templar in the helicopter, but I've been assured by Saul that he's really on their side. He's asleep, and I don't trust him, but he hasn't done anything horrible. You know, yet. Peter said he fed him, but Peter also said he was starting to believe he was the last person on Earth and he's still sounding a little disjointed... The man makes one wrong move, and I'm going to karate chop his head off. I'm almost certain I could at least partly do that.

I'm doing okay. My best friend is here. I missed him so much. I was so scared for him, but he's here and he's talking (not right now, now he's sleeping too) and he was able to walk his way out of the terrible place, for the most part. He'll be okay, and so will I.

I spent two days digging through a wall and managed to find myself again in the process. Now that's pretty good work, I'd say. And now I have a lovely demon in my lap and Aly's smiling at me. Peter's snoring like the chainsaw he is. We did good.

So...I went with Ryn to check the mailbox (it's in the city). We came back and he opened an quite interesting looking package and then dropped it and pointed at it in horror and announced it was my dirty toy.

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. I got a dirty toy in the post! This is quite impressive, I have to say...

I'm still completely useless, so now I'm here alone wondering if I could give this thing a go...?

I miss you. I'm distracting myself in any way I can, but all I can really think about is you. And that you're going through something horrible. And I have to stand back and let Indiana Jones and Charlie's Angels look for you because when I was helping, I was too afraid of Amaris and the Templar and I held them all back.

I've become a fraidy cat. A loser. I used to be that guy. That 'burst into the building and bust heads and then ask questions' guy. Now I'm 'hide in the fortress house and teach myself dance moves to hide my weeping soul' guy. I try to pretend I'm fine but I'm not. And I'm actually terrified someone might ask why I'm NOT out with them. What would I say? Sorry, I travelled all this way to panic attack my way into the splits, but I did learn a new sandwich recipe!

My best friend is suffering and I know how he feels and I am useless. I've been rendered useless.

I'm so sorry.

Ryn's here! And jolly. And he and Aly are being chummy because David's all up in her head. And Kali's here and they talk shop and I sit here feeling like a fourth wheel, which are usually necessary! They're out searching and I am stuck at home with the skull, making dinner.

I can't make dinner! I'm a gardener! I can grow it! I made sandwiches and then taught myself to do the splits. I've never tried them before. Well, not since I was about ten.

I am totally split-tastic.

I'm going crazy, can you tell? I want Peter back :|

I'm going to call my son and act useful.

I'm in Aly's housefortress which is pretty bitchin'...

So that head I delivered? It can talk. Well okay, not TALK but it talks in Aly's head, which I find a little disturbing, but whatever. It's some kind of angel telepathy thing. Mara and Spectre can do it, which is how she managed to save us from Razvan's uncle's basement that one time with the mix up and the gay haters. Apparently the skull just had nothing to say until now.

His name is Leontios, and he's from Greece, and yes I feel ridiculous talking about a skull like it's a person, but it is... Leontios says he was imprisoned in some sort of...special underground vault thing in Constantinople (I know it's Istanbul now, but it wasn't then) by the Templar. Ryn and Kali found him even though the Templar had lost track of the crypt over the intervening four hundred years. He says they have places like that scattered around and most of them have been lost to time. He thinks there is one in Jerusalem, and he knows there is one somewhere in or near Rome which was specifically made for...wait for it...the Antichrist.

Apparently they built it ages ago and they never lost track of it because it's been constantly guarded since they day it was finished being built; ready and waiting. He thinks that is where Peter is. Explains why he wasn't in the complex. Of course, now we have to find this Indiana Jones frickin' thing with booby traps and all sorts of wank. Leontios said it'd be hard to find, but they would consider that the 'guard'. The place would be manned, but likely not by many people. They are trusting the difficulty in getting there to be the main deterrent.

If we don't find him he's going to end up like that goddamn skull.

Okay.

Looks like I'm going to Rome. With a skull in a box. I got to see me a ladyman.

...that would be Aly. Because...David...nevermind.

I hate Rome :(

Oh shit.

Guys, Mums heard about what Kat did (I don't even know how) and she's coming to you. Well...she's coming to Kat. Thank Christ.

Also? She totally boxed my ears, made me eat green beans and then grounded me for my part in it all. I deserved it.

No news on Peter. We're still trying.

Gavin's safe. He's in Rome with Saul and the boys.

According to them, Peter wasn't in the Templar compound in Rome. So we have no idea where he is.

Fuck.

GODDAMMIT!

I just got brought back a week early, so who knows if I have the Zombie Fever (if anyone catches me crumbling, just let it happen, it's better that way) my husband just left the country, and now Razvan shows up in Peter's car to say that Gavin did call them and he was alive, but apparently he was some sort of BAIT because now Gavin and Peter are gone again, and they left Razvan behind! Which means they have something very specific in mind.

And Thomas reeaaalllyyy wants to bust some goddamn heads.

EDIT: Right, hi.

James' third birthday was on the 20th. We went out and got him a dog named Coco. Meaning Chanel. She's a red doberman, and quite possibly the sweetest dog I've ever known. I love her. And James of course.

And now I'm wiggin because Peter's wife knows him better than I do and that's weird! And she knows my wife better too! I'm going to make her write it down.

This DOES, however, mean we can talk about Peter in code. I am very excited.

And by all of this I mean :(:(:( /avoiding

You okay, Baby?

James told me he and Coco were playing with his balls today. I loved that. Innocence is precious. It helps me with ignoring all the messy and potentially mental-making things right now. Like how thin she is. No no. Balls. Silly balls.

I love you.

Rolf doesn't KNOW if an angel could bring someone up into the beyond and then back down again (as Tamm suggested on my previous post) like teleportation. And he offered to test it, and I really hope my "NO NO WHAT THE FUCK, NO YOU INSANE ASSHAT" actually registered in his tricentennial brain.

So yeah. If Rolf asks you if you'll help him try something, run in the opposite direction? Oops.

So far no further information from the news Zoe found either. Though I have been hung up on a lot. No news from the Beyond. Nothing from the streets. I went to see Paul and he looked like he was made up entirely of an under-eye bag. Poor guy.

Peter's awake though. He hasn't had a seizure yet today, either. So...I guess that's good news.

I wish so much that I could help Joe. It hurts a lot that I can't.

Seems to me, there's a lot of people I can't help, lately. I'm not used to feeling that way. It's kind of icky. So I am letting Miss Mara teach me how to make cookies.

It's something.

Okay, I've been back for a while now and I still haven't been with my husband and I'm starting to get a little grumpy about it! There may have been an incident where Deirdre asked if I wanted something to eat and I shouted, comically mind you, "I DON'T WANT FOOD I WANT LOVE!" (Take a moment to marvel at the fact that those words came out of my mouth)

To which Deirdre replied, "I DON'T HAVE THAT IN MY PANTRY!"

I don't really have much to say to that, probably beyond 'good...'.

Can someone watch the kids and tell me where my beautiful man is hiding?

I'm here. And I think I might be staying at Vic Lane for a few days because that's where my girl is. That'd be Marie, in case I confused anyone. I'm bringing James with me, so we can add to the motley crue of Laners.

I'm doing okay. Focusing on taking care of my kids. I think I'll graduate to taking care of others too, soon enough. And possibly myself, oh unknowable universe.

We can't change our pasts, only our futures. Sometimes second chances really do come at a great cost. Sometimes all that's left are good memories and the knowledge that things can be like that again eventually. And I guess that I can handle.

I'm sorry.

I went to my grave today. I sat over my bones. I've never been there. I've been to the new one, but not...the real one. Joe was there. He showed up. He left flowers. And we're going to go somewhere because we think both of us could use each other's company. It's Joe who has been keeping me here. I think after this, I'll be able to go. I'll be back, of course. But the lack of pain will be nice.

And Spectre, I'm so sorry. I love you, you know. I really do.

Do you think there's only so much a person can endure before the humanity is tortured...or burned...out of them?

Since coming home from the hospital, I've found it so hard to care about anything unless I've been rushing off to try to stop Amaris. At the hospital, I had something to focus on. People to keep safe. I could ignore the vast emptiness inside. In Spain, I could focus on fear. Here...I feel nothing. No, that's not true. I feel resigned, even if I'm hiding it. Resigned to suffering. Resigned to the world being a shitty place where no one good gets what they want, and even good things end up shit anyway. This isn't me, but I can't blame it on zombie fever this time.

I really think I've simply been broken. They set out to do it, Amaris and the Templar. And combined, they succeeded.

I'm sorry. I have to go. Amaris is with Peter's family and I can't just let him face her alone. I'm going. I'll be back as soon as I can, I promise.

Oh my dear Lord...

http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/

I'm fascinated and kind of sick and I am so making some of these because who doesn't have to worry about clogged arteries? Me. If I'm here, I'm going to enjoy it, darnit!

Seriously, if I'd only know about this then maybe I wouldn't have had so much trouble gaining weight after Amaris. Look at that thing! Fuck me...

Whoohoo, Mary, you want to eat disgustingly fatty foods with me! I'm so romantic.

Oh my god, seriously...

I need to stop. Lest I clog the arteries of the people around me with my fatty aura...

Babe, I have to talk to you.

I'm home. James has this incredible way at getting to the crux of an issue even though he's just under 3 and doesn't know what 'crux' means. He clearly doesn't need to. Anyway, he said the right thing. And now Abby is making me dinner and I'm lounging on the sofa and trying to relax.

It's not easy.

As much as I hate the shite I went through at the end of my second life, I have to say some of the knowledge came in handy. Eating, even though I don't feel hunger, still makes the pull less. Like the energy which would go nowhere, goes to fighting it. So, once again, I am eating like a machine. It's going okay.

Scarlett still isn't ready to go home so I'm going to stay here with her. Stephie too. Marie and James come to see us every day. And today I went to see your father again and he started asking about kids. He wanted to know if you had any natural children from 'sleeping around as he did in his youth' (I patted him) and I said I was pretty sure you hadn't slept with a woman, but then I realised I don't actually know for sure. I never asked.

ANYway, I didn't tell him about James and Marie because for some reason the idea of him knowing about them still scares me. I don't want him to decide that they're the next generation of warriors for God or something. The idea of them going through what you went through makes me so sick. Maybe after he sees Hell is a lie. Maybe then.

I love you.

I'm still at the hospital. Scarlett and Stephie are awake more often now and I think I might go get us all cake soon! I hope cake doesn't freak them both out... Cake is pretty non-offensive, right? And also sooo good.

I had a long chat with your father. I thanked him for what he did, because when I saw him right afterwards I wasn't much for the talking. And then we chatted about what he said on your journal. He was shocked we both considered it strange because he said he always loved his family and he was surprised this wasn't obvious. We talked about about how people percieve love. I actually had to stop him from ringing you after we had lunch because you would have been in sound check probably. And I'm assuming you'd rather have the conversation when you get back? It'll be okay though, baby. He'll listen to you. I think he wants to listen to you. I said it would be very easy to take his actions as actions not of love but of hate and he got very upset. I think he regrets a great deal.

I hope you don't mind that I talked to him... It's okay, right? Even though asking now is a total cop-out. I just felt it was important to at least bring up to him now, lest he continue to do it and not understand why you don't respond.

I love you. I miss you. You've been gone a day and already I'm all piney. But at least I know you're safe and happy and having the time of your life. That's worth a hell of a lot.

Did Deirdre get you drunk last night?

ok, i'm going to have some yogurt. thomas is like, hovering with happy behind me. he is a freak. he is also probably the most incredible person in the world.

She's not mad at me.

I still got the email, even if the comment is no longer there.

Of course I love you, Scarlett. Why would that possibly change?

I'm sorry.

I'll stop avoiding people now. I love you all.

I'm sorry. I've been avoiding you, which I am sure you are far too aware of by now. It's not anything you did, I promise. I've been afraid you would notice... I've been here too long and it hurts, but if I'm not here I can't be with Stephie. And everything she's feeling is my fault, so I have to be with her. I was afraid you would send me away. But that's terrible of me, because you risked so much coming to save me. When I saw you there...besides feeling so fucking relieved it was over, I felt fear. Fear for you because that place...fuck, Spectre. If they got their hands on you, do you know what they would do to you? I know you do. I know that. And you risked that to come for me, and I have spent the last several days saying nothing and I am so sorry.

I love you. I love you more than anything. More than any one. I just didn't want you to see my pain.

Speaking of pain... Now might be a good time to get this thing off of me... Because just thinking about you is causing a reaction and ouch. A lot of ouch. And I got all angry and had a little hissy fit and tried to pull it off? Oh my dear god, mistake.

You know what's weird? Besides Peter dying for like the 37th time. Every time I go to see Samson Mors, he looks at me like I'm the second coming. (Ahahahha! Sorry, dirty mind. ...oh fuck GROSS!) I don't know why. In his mind I used to be the terrible ex-monk who corrupted his angel son and condemned him to Hell. Nevermind that my husband has been gay from the day he was born and I had nothing to do with it. I was just the lucky one he took on a date to the aquarium one April day I won't ever forget. Now he gets this weird look on his face, like he's trying to he grumpy but can't be and then he says, "Thomas!" like he's excited, and he instantly gets me started talking about some book of the Bible or other. He says he wants my opinion. Even though technically, by his standards, my opinion should mean less than nothing. Clearly it doesn't and that gives me a lot of hope.

And that got me thinking. While he's much more pleasant to be around lately, he's still 100% sure I'm condemning his son to Hell, and myself with him. He says things like, "can't you boys just be friends?" No, Samson. Sorry. I'm in love with your son and part of that involves things you don't approve of. I have mentioned I'm dead. He skirts the issue. Maybe...it's time he sees the Beyond? Sometime when I'm there so we can ensure he doesn't end up getting stuck or messed with by a certain hoor named Sacrifice.

I think...if he saw it, even though he wouldn't remember a great deal of it, he wouldn't fear Hell anymore. He's starting to show the man behind the monster. I used to think you would be hard-pressed to find a worse example of a human being in his world, but the things he did, he did out of fear. Fear that was drilled in to him by his own father, and which he then tried to drill into his own kids. If we could take the fear away, it just might be okay. I hope. And I do have hope for him. Which is saying an awful lot.

Joe's awake! And he's going to be okay. Thank everything for that. They were about 5 hours away from cutting off his leg to keep him alive. But the infection is being fought now. And Julian is being followed, though I think he knows it. We'll have him back. I refuse to believe otherwise.

In the meantime, I have a beautiful little redhead in my lap, and another beside me! Aislinn is quite taken with Marie! She keeps pointing to her and saying, "baby!" And James is playing beside us, and Mara is reading on Mumsie's sofa. Today is a little better. Things aren't so terrible. We're still at Mums' (obviously...) but no one has seen hide nor hair of Amaris.

I'm starting to think she fucked off. If she were here, she'd be lording it over us. That's her way. I hope she got as far away as possible and that she stays there.

I'm such a fucking failure.

I didn't even get a chance to feed him breakfast before he fucked off again. I knew he was lying. He said he was using and it was the last time and I knew it was a lie and I still left him alone with Joe. I didn't think he would leave his father lying there like that.

Joe's getting worse, and I lost his only remaining child. Amaris and Jillian are out. Fuck the world.

Julian still hasn't come back. My nephew is out there. Amaris is out there.

I am not going to sit here and hide behind my mother, even though nothing in this world scares me more than Amaris does. I'm going to go find Julian. She can't have him. She can have me again first. Not Julian.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit Amaris got out.

Oh shit.

Dear God my children are the most amazing people on his planet.

James came up to me today and he told me there was something he wanted me to see. He took my hand and he took me outside to our backyard and when I asked him what he wanted me to look at, he pointed at our garden. I said yes, it was growing nicely. And he said, "no, Daddy. You taught me how to give life. And look, it's right in front of you."

And then I think I may have squeezed the life out of him, but what an amazing boy. Being a father is the best thing in the entire world.

And then I visited Spectre in the shower, which has nothing to do with the rest of this, but he has nice hips.

I couldn't be at the funeral today because Jordan's parents would have seen me and all hell would have broken loose. As far as I understand it, Julian wasn't there either. I can't really blame him. Poor kid.

I feel so empty right now. It's horrid and terrifying. And every time I see my son, I cling to him and he looks at me almost with pity because he knows I'm hurting. Maybe pity isn't the best word. Can a two-and-a-half year old feel sympathy? I think mostly when I was that age, I bit people and ate dubious things I found on the floor. Clearly James doesn't take after his dear old dad in that way, but I don't know. He lets me cling, and I need it. I am so terrified something will happen to him while I am gone.

So terrified, I feel fucking unmanned.

ARGH! JUST STOP IT!